Unmasked

I am interrupting Riley's 13 Memories with an end of the year/New Year blog.  I have promised myself that I am going to finish them SOON!  Perhaps they will be one of my many New Year's Goals!

Christmas is over.  We had a wonderful one.  Now, like most of you, I am thinking back over the old year and looking towards this new one.  January is always refreshing.  I can honestly say that some of my most memorable spiritual experiences have happened in the cold month of January.

I am not posting this post to facebook.  I have a feeling it is going to be a bit open and very REAL.  I really have no desire to share it with my facebook world, but if someone stumbles across it in my blog world, then I pray it will minister to you. 

I am removing my mask in this post.  The mask that I like to keep in place, so everyone thinks I have it all together.  I must admit that I am good at wearing my mask.  I let it slip off in front of very few people.  I had to duct tape, staple, and at times, super glue it into place in the year of 2013.

There is one place that I do not wear my mask and that is in my home.  I have spent more time in my home in the past year than ever.  There were many days that I was mentally unable to leave, other than to take the kids to and from school.  Seriously.  Just the thought of facing others seemed too overwhelming.  One thing I am able to do without my mask is care for my family.  I am perfectly at peace surrounded by the five I am responsible for.  It seems as if the day to day care of my family can calm the turmoil that is churning within.  I know many do not understand it, sometimes even I don't.  My home has truly been my mental safety zone during the past year.

I have learned much about myself.  Much of it I do not like, but will not be sharing (you know, because of the mask ;)).  I am certainly not the person I had set myself on a pedestal to be.  With the Lord's help, I am determined to change the ugly things inside of me.  I have poured myself out to him this past year until I have been completely emptied. Body, soul, mind, and spirit.  Empty.  I don't know if the Lord has ever brought you to this place, but it is not a pretty one.  My husband has been there with me during this bleak walk.  I am not sure where I would be without him.  When I would lay in bed for hours and be unable to stop the tears, I would hear him praying for me. Day after day. Week after week.  Month after month.  The Lord knew just who I needed.

1.  I have learned that even when I do not like myself, God does.  Again, this is a mystery to me.  I do not know the how and why, yet I know that His love never ends.  I know He is not always pleased with me, yet He still loves me.  After being "in church" all my life, I have come to a place where mercy and grace are very real.  The newness of it each day has been astounding at times. Mercy and grace become so real when you  NEED them.  Perhaps this is the first time in my life that I have really needed them.  Like air and water.  Need.  The Bible tells me that they follow, pursue, chase after me.  Even when I am running from them.

2.  I have learned the importance of being steadfast.  I began to feel this inward battle in early February.  I remember crying out to the Lord in utter anguish.  In my frustration, I told him that even though I did not feel Him in my situation that I would still do what I knew to do.  I would still be right there on my knees each day even if it seemed my prayers were not reaching the ceiling.  Little did I know that I would still be feeling this same frustration and fighting these same battles at the close of the year.  Yet, I have continued to be steadfast in this season. Perfect, no - steadfast, yes.  My daily motto has been, "One day at a time."  I tell myself, "Just make it through this day, and you can go to bed!"  Seriously.  Face tomorrow when it comes.  I apologize if this post tears down the Christian image.  But this Christian is walking a hard path, fighting my biggest enemy - myself.  There is power in putting one foot in front of the other, and steadfastly continuing on.  Remember the tortoise and the hare?  One step/day at a time finally brought victory.  I do plan to make it to the finish line. 

3.  I have learned to stop and think before I criticize.  This Pinterest quote sums it up beautifully...Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."  How many times have a looked at someone during their situation and thought lofty thoughts? They should be over it by now.  They are only thinking of themselves.  They should be stronger, smarter, more mature.  Don't they realize they have a family?  We are not the all knowing knower.  We have NO IDEA what others are facing.  Battles are real.  Be kind.  I feel the Lord has given me more compassion for others struggles and shortcomings.  When I see my own as I have, I realize the need to work on me instead of them. 

Therefore, I am taking my lessons learned into 2014 with me.  I can honestly say that my inward battle is not over.  Turning the new page into the New Year has not solved my issues.  But, I will continue to strive one day at a time. Not only am I taking lessons learned into 2014, but sermons that have been preached.  I went to church empty the majority of the year.  No one knew I was empty, because my mask was firmly in place.  The Lord always had something waiting for me.  Sermons about Hard Seasons from Bro. Erickson.  An in depth study of Being in the Fire from Bro. Pollock, and Staying in the Middle of the Merry Go Round from Bro. Toney.  He knew right where I was.  He is able to see beyond the mask. 

I encourage you (and myself) to take 2014 one day at a time.  We don't have to run to perfection, only strive for it.  The lessons we learn along the way will be priceless.  They will help us to be the person the Lord is continually molding.  One day we will be able to leave our mask at the finish line, and live unmasked in the victory that we have won!